December 10th, 2013
December 6th, 2013
plus I got a shorter three page DB in the works and a bunch of longer stuff
November 27th, 2013
November 1st, 2013
a little sloppy… still testing out the new lobster-type claws that are in place of where my bad hands and wrists used to be
August 1st, 2013
here’s a cartoon I started like six months ago and JUST finished
god bless white out
July 11th, 2013
July 8th, 2013
I finally remembered to pay for another year of hosting for my dumb website I don’t update any more. Luckily no one else stole my great domain while it was down! I’m going to draw, and post, more stuff… from now on!
June 10th, 2013
This is a sci fi short story I read for Rebel Girl 2 in Brooklyn last week. Here’s a video of me reading it, the sound’s not too good though http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzgVJI1bZBc
Dirk Hardsteel gazed down from the window of his penthouse apartment atop one of Williamsburg’s tallest skyscrapers. The streets of Neo-Brooklyn hummed with a chaotic din of wooshing and laser sounds that was also slightly Asian, indicating that this was the future. The morning sun hung low over the Eastern Wastes, barely visible through the dusty haze of atomized silica and Toshiba exhaust. Cesium flares activated intermittently. In the distance surveillance drones traced lazy concentricities in the sky.
“Life in the future is fairly chill,” Dirk thought. “And yet…”
Reginald Hardsteel, Dirk’s father, was a gamification mogul and the president of Hardsteel Industries, one of Williamsburg’s most powerful investment firms. Over the past decades he made a fortune buying up cheap deserted cubefarms and internment silos in the nearby neighborhood of Buzzfeed-Stuyvesent and converting them into luxury cyberlofts. The Hardsteel fortune now numerated in the billions of ringtones. Dirk was afforded a modest allocation of ringtones to pay for his housing and expenses. Dirk’s father had never approved of his decision to major in 21st Century American Studies, with a focus on minimalist digital anti-poetry, rather than a more lucrative field, and he never hesitated to remind him of this. In fact, Dirk’s own cyberpoetry had yet to earn him even a single ringtone.
He turned from the window and his fingers grazed across one of his prize possessions, a framed and mounted original Apple brand iPhone. Its touchscreen long dead, the device still glowed metaphorically with the subtle majesty of Steve Jobs’ good design skills. Several other artifacts were displayed nearby, including various colorful non-computerized tinted eyeglasses, a flashlight you can have sex with, and a copy of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. The casual intimacy with which the narrator mentioned the book indicated that he was well-versed in important literature, but not in a way that’s like bragging about it or anything. It is clear that although the book is very long, the narrator has read the whole thing. The skin around ¬the corners of Dirk’s eyes corrugated briefly.
“Imagine how sick it must have been to live in the old days of the early 2000s America,” he whispered.
Crossing transversely across his variegated loft, Dirk circumnavigated the pleasurebooth and ascended down into the lowered seating area well honeycombed with carbonfiber detailwork and thick-slung envelopment mesh. He reclined onto his plush hovercouch and keyed in a boba tea on the organo-replicator. Using his mind chip, Dirk called up the hud remote on his cyberglasses and mentally depressed the button for the holo TV. The screen had an insane amount of pixels and the picture was extremely good.
“Oh word,” Dirk thought out loud to himself, “it’s time for the news.”
“As you all know, there are very exciting events about to happen in the world today,” the newscaster lady said. The narrator was relieved that this coincidentally timed broadcast was about to go into the exposition-type details of the story so he wouldn’t have to do it himself. The news lady continued, “Later this week, the Singularity is going to happen. Scientists have been working on it, and soon it’s going to be real. As you all know, the singularity is the theoretical emergence of superintelligence through technological means – an “intelligence explosion”, where computer cyberbrains design successive generations of increasingly powerful minds, that might occur very quickly and might not stop until the agent’s cognitive abilities greatly surpass that of any human. It used to be a silly idea made up by clueless nerds, but it’s real now. Needless to say, it is going to be incredibly badass.”
Dirk took a sip of boba tea and tossed back a handful of burrito pills. The sensation of having just eaten multiple burritos washed over him like the Terminator being lowered into the vat of molten steel. The cybertone on his nanocell pulsated futuristically to signal an incoming time message.
“Ah, a bit of data streamed directly from the 21st century! This chronodecoder is one of my finest inventions.” Dirk was also an inventor for some reason. This particular invention distilled deep thoughts from the past directly from the ethereal Jungspace and beamed them into the black, spherical handheld display. The parameters had been calibrated to narrow in on his favorite historical period, the early 2000s. Dirk shook the monitor and waited for the words to appear.
The message began:
If you ask me, the people who make Bagel Bites really screwed up when it comes to the name of the product. I mean, you emphasize the bagel aspect of the snack, instead of the pizza part? Who are they marketing to with this.
The message continued:
Like imagine someone walking down the freezer aisle at the store, thinking to themself, oh man, I want just the worst, shittiest frozen bagel, I don’t care WHAT’s on it. Cheese sauce, a burger, hell it could be pizza for all I care, I just got to get me some terrible shitty fake frozen garbage bagel. Hopefully it’ll be small, bite-sized if possible, or somewhere close to that size.
Dirk’s reflected upon the mystery of this ancient wisdom for several moments. His bask was suddenly cut short however by the sound of the television, which he gradually began to realize was still on. The digital newsroom background was now pulsing red, and the newscaster’s eyes were fierce and animated.
“This latest dispatch from the cyberterrorists casts a dark shadow over the nation’s excitement,” she said. “These threats to undermine the brand integrity of several vital sponsors of the upcoming Singularity, including: drawing nipples on the McDonald’s logo, so it looks like a pointy, upside down pair of tits, these threats have been met with harsh condemnation from the country’s CEO.”
At this time, Dirk’s gaze grew hard and distant. He began speaking in a cool John Galt type monologue voice.
“Irony is a powerful force in the world, and it is disgraceful that these cyberterrorists choose to harness it for evil instead of good. Using irony to make a mockery of the infallible permanence of today’s hottest brands, to sew confusion and incertitude in the populous? These cyberterrorists should be ashamed. When properly harnessed, irony is one of the most constructive devices in the multiverse.
“Irony is what allows sensible citizens to live their lives without becoming overwhelmed with the contradictions of life. It’s irony that lets us order bad meals from like Denny’s and take pictures of them to post to the web as a goof, before actually paying for and consuming the entire plateful.
“Irony is what allows us to feel a condescending self-reflexive “ironic” appreciation for pop music, deeming it a “guilty pleasure” despite the fact that it’s specifically formulated and marketed to our demographic to be consumed in such a manner.
“Only irony provides the freedom for the spiritually malnourished internet addict to both indulge his habit for upwards of 18 hours per day and post sarcastic web comments referring to his own addiction in a joking, detatched manner, simultaneously, adopting the guise of humorous self-criticism to actually reinforce his own negative behavior.
“And what force in the universe, what force, other than indeed irony, could be employed by the previously non-braindead young urban professional to justify abandoning the world of productive thought and accepting a job in the referent-free wasteland of content aggregation clickbait listicle mass-production, inarguably the most evil and senseless of all mankind’s idiotic endeavors on this fucked up Earth.”
Suddenly, the Singularity happened. Dirk got up from his hovercouch and walked into the futuristic blue light of it. A newspaper fell to his feet and the shot zoomed into to reveal it was for today’s date, one year from today.
I might take more time to rewrite it or develop it more someday, but for the reading it was pretty well received. As far as the redundancies and misused words and etc. most of them were intentional, a stylistic thing. I hope that was apparent.
May 9th, 2013
After a couple hours hurting my brain by attempting php, I added some stuff to my comics ‘archive’ or whatever… http://brokenpants.com/comics/
First there was this office comic which I think I don’t think I ever posted here about
It appears in A Dope Mouthfeel #4 !!
Also I was trying to make it possible for me to add more cool dudes cartoons without having to manually update 30+ files, a task which I did not accomplish. I did streamline some things, but I’m a really stupid person these days and I never really knew much coding in the first place and I don’t know what the things are called in php when I’m trying to google them so I can copy other people’s code, so adding an extremely simple navigation footer was really hard! but it’s there.
April 18th, 2013
A Dope Mouthfeel #4
It turned out pretty sick! Brand new Office comics adventure, a bunch of cool dudes stuff, Front Butt, tons of great content for you to contemplate and reflect upon, again and again as we all slowly decay into our constituent particles.
also these cool posters!
Click here to purchase!!! http://brokenpants.com/zinelist.php
I made sure to have everything ready in time for midwest zine fest was last weekend, here’s a picture of my table